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You know the scene The simpsons Where we finally get a flashback inside Homer’s Closet to find a hundred sets of white shirts and blue pants? Yes, if we humans were left to our own devices, that’s what our entire closure looked like. We don’t go shopping for clothes, and when we do, we stick to comfortable and casual rather than risk something that will make us look like Zoolander. We don’t trust our taste buds enough to make this kind of decision. That’s why we need you- our friends and partners, to help us. Is that a child? Of course it is! But come on, we all remember the day we showed up at the local school at Wild G & S thinking we made ourselves look “Hella cool,” only to have a Stract ‘n Switf sticker, didn’t we, it made us scaredy cats.
But here’s a secret- when someone we trust gives us something nice to wear, we love it. It’s like a stamp of approval. Green light. It takes pressure because we didn’t take it. Someone who has a real taste for what’s done. We can wear it with pride. And with the holidays upon us, now is the perfect time to brighten up our closet. So this year, take a little risk with your outfit for a dude who won’t do it himself. And trust me, you will thank you for it. If he doesn’t, you can blame me- I’m a quick Lenda in the aerodynamic pink wink breaker and he can take him out when he gets to direct revenge.
J.Crew T-Shirt: J. The Crew knows how to get the essentials – a Tee that’s the right fit and will last forever. Give me a pocket in my t-shirt, please and thank you. I have many shirt colors.
The best Flannel ever: This is the softest flan I have ever worn. I can wear it every day if my pits are too dry.
Aqueous fraction: It’s very perishable here in Portland. This keeps the feet cozy and dry even if there is an atmospheric river pouring down.
Oxford button down: I have the green version, and it’s my lunch time.
Taylor Stitch T-Shirt: I broke this T-shirt for special occasions. It has an unusual vibe – but it’s hard to find, and it looks more expensive than it is.
DU / ER NO SIMPLE GOODS: These are my pants; I wear them almost every day. There’s a little stretch to them, which makes them super cute, and they go with everything. A great option for someone who needs to break out of the ‘I only wear jeans’ mindset.
Campus pants: These children are thicc. They feel like you can walk through walls without a boat. But they look good enough to wear to dinner parties.
Rollneck sweater: This looks great on any man and will make him feel like a salty sailor. Right after we took these pictures, I stole a tugboat and hit the high seas with a pipe in my mouth.
Jeans: I didn’t know jeans could feel so mysterious. This one from Taylor Stitch is like the apex Predator Jeans. Not tight, not super baggy, they win the denim game.
Workorse Hooded Jacket: This item is my first winner this year. It’s tough and rugged with a restrained, waterproof finish, but it’s stylish enough to make me want to wear it everywhere.
Iron Ranger Boots: I post this every year. Nothing feels worse than wearing these boots. Your man will love them.
Cardigan: This thing is the rules. Everyone who sees it asks me where it comes from. It feels like a warm kiss from your grandmother. And it’s so well made, I think I’ll still have it when I’m a grandma.
Henley: Emily always compliments me when I wear the dark version of this. For that reason, I bought four more in different colors. Lots of places to find Henley’s, but J. Crew is my installer.
Shorts Nike: I have these in 5 and 7 inches. They are amazing. And the built-in leggings mean you don’t need to wash as many leggings. Time to set Upper-dude-thaude free!
IA & F sweatshirt: For the softest, the most beautiful, the best-looking. It’s a big step up from the Hanes zip-ups I used to wear.
Lakeside Jacket: Love this casual, lightweight jacket. It can be worn over a night time button down or over a T-shirt for a boys night out.
Nikes: These are the perfect “ordinary but not too fancy” shoes. I can literally wear them to any job and feel confident.
Slippers: Don’t get these if you’re not a fluffy cloud travel sensation. They are so cute and cozy, I wish I could wear them for a night out or to the grocery store. I mean, I guess I could try, Lebowski did, right?
Bluetooth Headphones: These babies have been my go-to for years. I use them to drown out yard work, airplane rides, and middle school students “6-7!” They are more clean and noise reducing than others I have tried. And cheaper than the “Beats” version.
Poker Set: The Starter Poker set I play with my 12 year old son (and now he has taught his friends Poker). AWOPS! The chips are heavy and solid and feel expensive for the price point. Also, the metal case makes you feel like a gangster.
Theregun: I’ve heard the key to longevity is doing heavy squats. Whoever came up with that idea should get punched. Sucking squats. But I do. And when I’m sore, I use a waragun to relax behind, there must be some fort-fart jocks like me.
Awesome office chair: I went through three office chairs before finding this one. It’s the best for the price- stylish, comfy, versatile, and easy to put together. It looks vintage without trying too hard.
Mug Warmer: I have the Woodgrain version (I use my ceramic mug), not the included one. It keeps coffee hot for hours and is much cheaper than others out there. I can’t believe it took me this long to use one of these.
Standing Desk: When I’ve been writing for hours and my butt needs a break, I put this baby on my desk and get up to get some new energy. It’s also easy to fold up and store when not in use.
Viral Slim Wallet: Two of our friends swear by this wallet (scammers can’t get the CC #, it’s heavy, and they keep all the cards safe). I want one in my auction.
Best Fountain Pen: Hear me – I know the fountain pen seems a little funny, but my friend gave me one when I graduated from my writing program, and I will never write with anything else. Something about hacking out notes with a fountain pen is such a vibe. Not helpful in any way you can imagine, of course Beller.
Double layered leather card skin: A classic bag that is very slim and chic. Holds cards on the sides and money in the middle. No more costanza cheek.
Backpack Cover: It is very important. This will be used for all exits. It’s big enough to fit everyone’s drinks and lunch, and comfy enough to travel on occasion.
Can insulator: You must have a beer or soda drink in your life. It keeps your cold drinks cold for hours. I was skeptical, but they really work.
Electric Electric: All of these power tools use the same flexible battery, so you can mix and match between tools. The batteries are very powerful and last longer than you would expect. If I had a garage and all this in it, I would be put in your yard every Sunday.
Electric Blower: We use this a lot during the fall.
Multi Electric Tool: This item uses a lot around the yard. It’s like a Swiss Army knife for chores.
Electric Washer: Who doesn’t need a good washer? And think of all the water on Christmas morning!
Solo Stove: We use this all the time. I feel like a man by chopping wood, then I always sit mantly when it makes the smoke disappear and my eyes don’t dye.
Unbreakable Flashlight: Long lasting, cool looking. The review is good, and I can always use the trusty flashlight.
Visual rocker: If you’re still sitting in a chair that isn’t stimulating to your child’s games, you don’t know you’re missing out.
Cooking
Smash Burger Press: I know there is some push-back on smash burgers, but it’s still my fave to eat and make. Roll some meatballs up, throw a flattop, and hit with these stories. Make the perfect burger every time.
Oven Mitts: I used to make fun of all the ovens in our kitchen- these have changed the game. They are grippy, heat resistant, and manly. Yes, Chef!
BBQ Books: Emily made me these BBQ books for my birthday, and I can’t wait to break them open. They are from the most famous Austin BBQ restaurant I have ever been to.
Meater Thermometer: The best way to cook a whole steak, turkey, or chicken. Dudes like apps, and this is more high tech and more accurate than a traditional meat thermometer.
Weatherroof Speaker: We got this from the rear groups, but we used everyday things- The sound is really good, especially the bass, it’s liquid, and my kids like the light if you want).
Leathman Multitool: New color ways for these kids make them have them. Just imagine how cool you’ll feel with this finished item on your Belt Loop.
Sig Sig Canvas Bag: A serious deal. Nice looking bag and good price. Also, can you put my first in it? I entered.
Beard Trimmer: I haven’t drunk completely in like decades. This is the best trimmer I have found, hands down. It never holds and holds its charge longer than any of the others.
**** Need links to these ***
Dopp Kit: A good toilet kit is a must have. I got the little one for Charlie to use in stoplevers and camping trips, and I use this one skin to hide all my bathroom accessories while I travel.
Dr. Squatch Deodorant: I am a detox person, and unfortunately, I wore deodorant that had aluminum in it for most of my life, so I will grow metal plates in my pores eventually, but luckily, there are many natural options now. Their soap is also great.
Curl Balm: Did you notice my hair in the picture? I’ve been trying to run from my curly hair since I was in high school, because I wanted straight hair like Jordan Catalano. But now I’m combing my curls, and this evo curl balm is amazing; It also helps make my hair look bigger, which is a big deal breaker for us thinning hair.
NutriAfol: Speaking of losing weight, I take nutrifol daily, and I wish I had started years ago. I definitely noticed a difference.
Fart Builder: I know, new, but trust me, your husband wants this. It’s a funny gift for a stock gag. Kids will love it too.
Body Armor: This is a really special item – you can wear a high quality hat with anything you want. I made hats with the names of my dogs or our children’s school. Make a custom hat with his favorite item or your slogan.
Bidet: Another weird one, but honestly, it’s a home run. We had a bicycle in the mountain house, and I miss it so much.
That’s all I have for this year. I hope it helps you with your dude-centric gift giving. I know I would be enlightened to find any of these things under the tree. After that I was able to take the tree outside and cut it down, hit it with my new power tools.
Happy holidays!
* Photos by Kaitlin Green
